Lewis Black citations (58 citations, Page 2)

Lewis Black: 58 citations0 J'aime

Lewis Black: Citations en anglais

“Normally, in February, in Boston and in most of the country, the weather is gray, rainy, gray, sleet, snow, gray; every day it just gets grayer and grayer and grayer! You wake up one day and you go 'I'm not coming into work today!' Your boss goes, 'Why not? You sick?' 'No! Its too gray!' Then you wake up and its the grayest day you've ever seen! And the next day it's even grayer! And that's usually Valentine's Day, and that's the day you look at your wrists and go, 'Hey, maybe I should slit 'em to see color!”

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Lewis Black

The White Album (2000)

“I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.”

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Lewis Black

Nothing’s Sacred (2005)

“It [The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that… unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.”

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Lewis Black

The End of the Universe (2002)

“We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." NO! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"”

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Lewis Black

Anticipation (2008)

“Some of these people have come up with some very elaborate arguments [for not paying taxes]. For instance, there were these guys, in Indiana and Nebraska, and they argued that Indiana and Nebraska weren't states, which was a pretty valid argument in the late 1700s. But in 1995 and '96, well, I saw a map and at that time, trust me, Indiana and Nebraska are shitholes, but they're states. I saw them! They were right there in the middle someplace. I may not be able to point them out immediately, but I know they're there.”

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Lewis Black

Taxed Beyond Belief (2002)

“If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween…don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.”

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Lewis Black

The Carnegie Hall Performance (2006)

“You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next Tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go "who are you," and you can say…"I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?"”

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Lewis Black

The Carnegie Hall Performance (2006)

“I believe that the way in which we should truly live is we should think about what we're going to do, and then not do it. Your boss comes in on Monday and goes, "Hey! You're my go-to guy — I need a report by Friday." You go, "I'll get right on it, chief!" And then you head back to your desk and you put your feet up and you spend the week thinking about it. And then he comes in on Friday and goes, "Where's my report?" And you say, with a big grin on your face, "I didn't do it!" And he goes, "Why not?"”

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Lewis Black

and then you say, "Because I didn't want to disappoint you!"
Anticipation (2008)

“[about solar energy] If you ask your congressman why, he'll say "Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie." You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!”

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Lewis Black

Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

“[about how the Earth was created] And then there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe it took place in seven days, I reach for a fossil and go "Fossil!" And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their head.”

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Lewis Black

Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

“You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!”

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Lewis Black

Taxed Beyond Belief (2002)

“There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!”

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Lewis Black

Anticipation (2008)

“The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.”

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Lewis Black

Last Laugh ‘05 (2005)

“How our government works… it doesn't.”

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Lewis Black

Nothing’s Sacred (2005)

“[on Public Works Projects] You see what I felt they should have done for our first public works project is build a giant wall across the entire border of Canada…because THAT'S where the cold air comes from!”

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Black on Broadway (2004)

“Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How am I, as a comedian, supposed to create a reality that encompasses that?”

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Lewis Black

Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues (2005)

“Christians… get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop, does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!”

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Lewis Black

Last Laugh ‘06 (2006)

“The argument we have about abortion is not about abortion. It's about when life begins. And we argue it, and we argue, and we argue! And I say we take all the people who think they know and yell and scream and they're sure when life begins and they're sure when life ends, and we lock them in a room. And we tell them to figure it out. And they don't come out until they do. And if they can't, then we kill them.”

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Lewis Black

Last Laugh ‘05 (2005)

“If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”

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Lewis Black

The White Album (2000)

“Or… if you actually waited until you were married to lose your virginity, because you are so much a better person than the sniveling snot that we are, you were able to do that, because you were able to wait through everything, through all those feelings, all those hormones, all of that, you could wait, until that night to make love to (for the first time) to the person that you are gonna make love to for the rest of your life, because you are a gambler on a level that I have never fuckin' imagined! My hat is off to you! Wow! What courage!”

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Lewis Black

Anticipation (2008)

“Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.”

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Lewis Black

The End of the Universe (2002)

“FEMA? I always thought it was a bone here in your ass.”

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Lewis Black

Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

“There are people who believe that dinosaurs and men lived together, that they roamed the Earth at the same time. There are museums that children go to, in which they build dioramas to show them this. And what this is, purely and simply, is a clinical psychotic reaction. They are crazy. They are stone. Cold. Fuck. Nuts.”

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Lewis Black

I can't be kind about this, because these people are watching The Flinstones as if it were a documentary.
Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

“Maybe there are a group of gay banditos… who, every night climb into a van and go from village to dell, from community to community. They wander, and as the sun is coming down, just setting over a suburban village, the gays drive in. And there in a cul-de-sac, there in the light of a house, you can see a young American family, sitting down for their evening meal. And those gays… put on their masks and their festive colored robes, and sneak slowly into the house… and begin to FUCK EACH OTHER IN THE ASS! AND ANOTHER AMERICAN FAMILY IS DESTROYED!”

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Lewis Black

The Carnegie Hall Performance (2006)

“Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT… and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.”

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Lewis Black

Last Laugh ‘06 (2006)

“CONGRATULATIONS, SAN FRANCISCO! YOU’VE RUINED PIZZA! FIRST THE HAWAIIANS, AND NOW YOU!”

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Lewis Black

Source: Inside Out (2015)

“Can I say that curse word now?”

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Lewis Black

Inside Out (2015)

“I love Wisconsin, I love coming here. I've performed here a lot because I've discovered that you people apparently have some sort of federal grant for drinking. [audience cheers] It's–you're insane! You pay less for liquor than anybody I know anywhere in the country. Nobody pays any less for liquor than you. What're you–what're you–HOW?! I don't know if you're using that farm subsidy money, or if you're just hijacking liquor trucks, but this is fucking insane. [audience member shouts something] Is it volume? It's unbe–fucking–lievable, it's staggering! I come here because basically if I spend four days here drinking, and even with the plane ticket, it's cheaper than drinking in New York. How do you know when it's New Year's? That's the big mystery to me. What's the difference? I've been in bars here and it's like New Year's every fucking night! "Uh, New Year's, that's when we–we drink with hats on."”

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Lewis Black

Source: The White Album (2000)

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